OK boys. You and your little friends just crushed me in Super Smash Bros version 432. That’s right, I suck at this. Nope, I can’t get a handle on the 42 different buttons on this monster control pad. Yup. Keep laughing. Let me tell you this. You need to respect your elders because I am Original Gamer. That’s right. OG. Let me break this down for you.
You were not even a thought when I was smashing a green turtle shell for 100 extra lives. I was legend. That’s right, little man. I was dropping ducks, parking frogs, and running Dirk the Daring through Dragon’s lairs long before any Black Ops. I put King Hippo to sleep in under two rounds you little brats. Two rounds, yo! I was rescuing the Princess Zelda BEFORE SHE GOT HOT!
Keep snickering you checkpoint saving little cupcakes. In my day, if you did not have 2 hours to commit to getting that coked-up little hedgehog to last level, you just didn’t play. There was no, “I’ll just save it at the next checkpoint and start tomorrow.” We got the game, snacks, and everything we needed and then we went to war from the start. We made choices. When the old man said it was time to turn it off, we could not save it no matter how close Kid Icarus was to his final destination. We had to decide if one more level was worth the inevitable punishment for continuing to play. And it was.
Pause it? Please. If you needed the bathroom you had limited options. If you were lucky you gamed on an Intelivision and could press the “1” and “9” keys to black out your TV. If not you had two choices. You could tuck Mario away in some little corner, make your run and hope you got back before the giant monkey busted a barrel into your butt. The only other option was to hand the controller to your brother, threaten to destroy him if you came back to see Q-Bert swearing, and then make your play. You ran. You used it. Maybe you flushed, but you sure did not waste time washing your hands before getting back into the game.
That’s right. Give me a direction pad, an A button, and a B button and I will mess up your headset wearing, online playing, Red-Bull guzzling world. Respect. I blazed trails. I fought the battles.
I AM OG!! DROP THE JOYSTICK!