When I am finally elected Supreme Uberlord of Everything, I am going to make some changes to improve the world. Here are some of the first improvements I am going to make.
1. Self-Check Lanes will now have a timer. Once you scan that box Frosted Flakes, you are on the clock. If you have not paid and removed your items when that timer goes off, your items will be immediately catapulted to the side and you go to the back of the line. It’s like the Amazing Race. You are welcome to try again, but you might be better served recognizing your limitations and head on over to the normal check-out. That’s right, Lane 12. Right behind the lady with 72 cans of cat food.
2. “Spring Forward” Time Change. It is completely wasted on 2 A.M. on a Sunday. That does not help anyone. From now on, “Spring Forward” will occur at a random time during the work day on Friday. “Excuse me Erik, your 3:00 appointment is here. She looks angry.” “Sorry. It is actually now 4:00. I am going home. See ya!”
3. You will move your mouse about 10 inches to the right and hit the “Follow” button on this blog. Then you get updates when I post random stuff. More importantly, I will feel like I have friends and I can pretend that people actually like me. Feed into the illusion
4. Let’s fix “Fall Back” while we are at it. Again, the extra hour of sleep is nice, but I think we can do it better. It will now happen at a random point on Friday night. “Excuse me, sir. We are closing it down, you and your friends have to leave.” “I don’t think so. Fall back. I get another hour, now go bring me some more nachos.”
5. Everyone will get a real salary and tipping will be eliminated. I understand why wait-staff need tips and I tip well, but the concept drives me nuts. “But Erik, it ensures good service.” Really? It is a quality control method for service? Then why I am tipping 20% to a Denny’s waitress and stiffing my urologist? That is my priority for quality service? Seriously, would you rather have someone do a good job handling your “Moons over My Hammy” or handling your Franks ‘N Beans? No-brainer.
6. If it is over 70 degrees and you are wearing a sock hat indoors, you will be asked to go to a designated poser zone. It’s right over there. See all those people huddled together under a cloud in the designated smoking area? Your spot is about ten feet further down. It is the area filled with dudes wearing black T-Shirts with silver skulls and wings on them and also guys with fake glasses, empty backpacks and skinny jeans. If you try to leave your area without taking off the hat, you will be jabbed repeatedly with a stick.
7. Commenting on a dude’s hair loss will be as socially unacceptable as commenting on any other part of someone’s appearance. “Hey Erik. Look at this picture of us. You actually had hair! Haha! You looked good with hair. That’s too bad. Isn’t that funny?” “It’s freaking hilarious and look at you in that picture! You were 25 pounds lighter and your boobs were 16 inches higher. I bet you hate gravity, but that tattoo of The Noid is holding up well. Wait, did one us say something wrong?”
8. Yes, I did say “stiffing my urologist” in #5. I heard it too.
9. Finally, Teletubbies, Doodlebops, Yo Gabba Gabba, Barney, and Caillou will all be eliminated from TV. The world is too messed up as is. We do not need to subject our kids to that stuff. Besides, has there ever been a person more destined for a lifetime of deserved butt-kickings than Caillou?
That is just a minor step in the right direction. I think we can all make a difference.