Extinction

I am never going to get to see a dodo bird. I am also pretty ticked off that I will never have the opportunity to see a Quagga because those things look freaking awesome. They look like God changed his mind halfway through making something and thought, “Meh, good enough. I lost my eraser and have other things to do.”

They say that mankind is usually behind extinction, but I remain convinced that childkind has eliminated more things from my life than deforestation, meteor strikes or any massive climate change ever could. Below are species that I once knew but have faded into legend.

1. Filmius Coolius – At one time awesome movies were a regular part of my life. I am now convinced that films that do not involve animation, voiced-over animals, super-heroes, or CGI dinosaurs no longer exist

2. Volume Minimumois – Long ago, Volume Minimumois (commonly known as Silence) dominated my household. However, children brought a new, invasive species called Volume Maximus that has eradicated Volume Minimumois. My life is now overrun with yelling, laser sounds, crashing noises, questions and generalized chaos.

3. Spontaneose Sexiose – Another of my favorite creatures that is but a distant memory. The demise of Spontaneose Sexiose can be directly traced to a newly evolved species known as Sexiose Scheduloso. Unfortunately, this rare and elusive species seldom awakens before 10PM on weekends and is rarely observed due to its reluctance to appear anywhere but behind a door that has been more tightly secured than Fort Knox.

4. Conversation Adultum – Biologist have concluded children produce a pheromone that is toxic to Conversation Adultum. As such, I am no longer capable of having an adult conversation with my wife that does not involve children. Even when there are no longer children present, we have found that we are incapable of having a conversation that does not involve phrases such as, “Did you notice during the orchestra concert that Ben was using his viola bow as a lightsaber?” or “Do you think the kids are asleep yet so we can go home and go to bed? Sadly, I do not think even Sexiose Scheduloso is around because we are just too tired.”

5. Mealiose Satisfactiose – Mealiose Satisfactiose once involved a pleasant meal (often accompanied by Conversation Adultum) that was eaten in a timely manner and ended with me leaving the table happy. However, children have hunted Mealiose Satisfactiose into extinction. Now dinner moves at a glacial pace with me continually reminding James that he can not survive on oxygen alone and must consume food. In the meantime, Ben is yelling, “I call the last taco!” Dinner now involves me with glazed over eyes begging James to eat while at the same time really wishing that the last taco had found its way to my plate.

6. Slumberum inum –This quiet, peaceful beast has proven to have minimum tolerance for children and is gone from my life. Initially Slumberum inum was pushed to the brink of extinction by crying, feeding and diaper changes. The species made a brief comeback but has proven incapable of surviving blasting TVs, crashing of self-made breakfasts, and screams of “get your foot on your side of the couch. Come to think of it Volume Maximus is probably responsible for the extinction of Slumberum Inum as well as Volume Minimumois. Sadly, even in the absence of Volume Maximus, I have found that I no longer remember know how to care for Slumberum Inum and will probably never see its like again.

7. Podiatrinium Comfortum – Commonly known as “Painfree Feet” this extinct species was not able to coexist with children and has been pushed to the brink of extinction . Children eliminated the habitat that Podiatrinium Comfortum needed to survive. Clear rooms and pathways were overrun with objects that stub toes in the dark, Legos that painfully lacerate the soles of feet, and various wheeled toys that roll ankles or topple the mightiest of giants. The few remaining Painfree Feet are now carefully protected by conservation efforts such as slippers or plate-mail boots. For the sake of the survival of Podiatrinium Comfortum, few are allowed out into the wild without protection.

8. Spotliuss Furnituruss – The elimination of this species by children was so thorough and immediate that no conservation efforts were even taken. Knowing the that Spotliuss Furnituruss was doomed by spilled drinks, goldfish crackers, filthy bodies, vomit, and jumping children, we gave up and invested in Furnituruss Crappyness. Seriously, why bother? Leading biologists feel that this species may be able to recover when children leave its habitat.

So many species extinct and yet my world continues to evolve and survive. While children have destroyed many species, new ones have constantly arisen. Nerfius Weapionus, Randomus Huggius, and Constant Laughonium have been welcome additions to the world. Still looking for a unicorn or three though. That would be cool.

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