Job Vacancy: Summer Intern
Period of Employment: Until I go back to work in August.
Job Description: A unique and wonderful opportunity to job shadow a school psychologist during his summer schedule and learn how to properly make use of summer vacation. Applicant will be expected to help his or her (preferably her) mentor to accomplish Daily Living Skills as the mentor’s brain slowly deteriorates into blissful summer mush.
1) Chauffer work – Ben and James will be attending various camps and activities this summer. While people may say, “Erik, you have no kids from 1:00-5:00!” they do not realize that four hour block is really chewed up. In reality, I’m in my car at 12:45 to drop James at his Imovie class at 1:00, back to my house by 1:15 only to leave at 1:45 to drop Ben off at 2:00 soccer. Back to IMovie class by 2:50 to pick up James, back home by 3:15 and leaving at again to pick up Ben at 5:00.” There are various stages of “kid-free” but no blocks of time to golf, get something done, or stare blankly at a wall. All of which are essential for summer. Intern will take over driving. No gas reimbursement
2) Name change – Intern’s new name will be Daaaaaad! I will continue to address issues directed to Dad (monosyllabic). Any inquiries made to Daaaaad! (multisyllabic, loud, and from another room) will be handled by intern. Intern will develop new skills in conflict resolution, resilience to nagging, and minor first aid. I will continue to post on the internet and encourage George R.R. Martin to put down the chicken wings and write.
3) House work – My wife occasionally leaves me a list of things to accomplish. My wife is occasionally disappointed. Cleaning bathrooms, picking up Lego, and mowing lawns may be the greatest obstacles to conquering Rainbow Road. New characters do not unlock themselves! Intern will assume these housework duties.
4) Social Media – Intern will act as social media filter. I seriously turn the brain off in the summer. Neurologists have discovered that the social media filter is located in the prefrontal lobe and we all know that is the first part of the brain to power down. Intern will ensure that I do not post anything that will get me arrested, fired, or divorced.
5) Item location – Intern must be able to quickly locate items in the house. By August, my wife is sick of receiving texts from me begging for help finding objects that I can easily locate from September through mid-June. Last August, when I asked her for help finding where I sat my coffee cup, she quickly pointed out that I was holding it and said the words every husband longs to hear. “Erik, you are so STUPID! You have to go back to work!”
6) Wardrobe Coordinator – Without my wife around when I get dressed, I need someone to make sure that I tone down the sexy. If I am not careful, I can tip the delicate balance of the earth towards a wild, hedonistic orb rotating on an axis of sexual desire. I need someone to assume the duty of saying, “Erik, those orange plaid shorts with the red striped shirt is a little too sexy to be seen in. Maybe you should change.” She knows how to keep a lid on things.
7) Faux Friendship – While I enjoy being away from work, I do miss adult contact. Without people who are contractually obligated to spend time with me, my world shrinks to dinosaurs, Minecraft, people under 5 feet tall and explanations of why I am refusing to buy a $100 soccer jersey that would be grass-stained and outgrown in three weeks. Intern must act like they are my friend. Seriously, I do not care if you actually like me. Pity laugh at a few of my jokes, give me a fictitious compliment and as long as you do not act like you are disgusted by my presence, we will be good. I am not a proud man. You only have to tolerate my presence until 5:30 before that burden falls onto my wife.
8) Duties as otherwise assigned – Basically, intern will do whatever I say without saying, “Why?” “I haven’t reached a save point,” “.. but mom says,” “No fair,” “I don’t want to” or “Are you sure that’s safe?” Oh, that would be so sweet….
Interested parties should send me a resume and cover letter stating why they are uniquely qualified for this rare and exciting experience.
I reserve the right to discriminate based upon opinions of cats, adding a ‘s’ to the end of “Meijer,” referring to me as “dear,” “sweety” or “honey” (if you are going to refer to me in those terms we better have pretty darn intimate relationship) and any other petty reason that pops into my head.