Facts

The following are undeniable and inarguable random facts about our world.

FACT:  Donuts are nature’s perfect food. There is no way around it.  Ever notice that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is in the shape of a donut?  That is no coincidence.  People should have Wedding Donuts instead of Wedding Cakes. Donuts should come standard with every breakfast.  I plant a little of every donut I eat in my backyard and pray that a donut bush will someday grow.  I would fertilize it with the delicious shakings that fall to the bottom of my donut bags.

FACT:  Teachers are not “lucky” that they get the summer off.  There is no giant job lottery that is conducted at the end of high school that slots people to be miners, donut bakers, doctors, mail carriers, dragon tamers or teachers. People actually choose professions. Teachers have had summers off for generations. We all know that. It is no surprise. Nobody says, “Sure, I’ll take the teaching job.  Whaaaat? I don’t work in the summer?  Who knew?”  Let me clue you in on another non-secret.  If you think educating is an easy, high-paying, low hour job, go ahead and do it.  There are tons of openings.  Nobody’s stopping you.  Who knows, you may even get “lucky” and get a few days off.

FACTOne Well Brewing is the best, coolest small brewery in Kalamazoo.  Relaxed atmosphere. Good food. Great beer. Very friendly owners and staff.  Go there.

FACT:  If you are paying your children for their athletic performance, you are a d-bag. Sorry but if you are slipping your eight-year-old cash for goals and assists, that is straight up d-baggery. I mean, I can still be friends with a bag and all, but make no mistake about it, I see your baggish tendencies. Let us ignore all the issues with the message being sent, selfishness, sportsmanship, etc and focus on the real issue… you’re modeling d-baggedness to your kids.  You are one step away from being a family who wears sock hats inside, in the spring.  Just stop. Do not create little D-baggies.

FACT:  GoBots were better than Transformers.  Intellivision was better than Atari. The world made big mistakes with those two.

FACT:  If you have someone in your life who has the courage to tell you when you are wrong, or that you are full of crap, you need to do everything in your power to keep that person in your life.  Those rare people are called “friends.”  The friend who can, in love, tell you that you messed up, that you handled a situation poorly, that you treated someone wrong, or that a situation is kinda your own fault cares about you. They want to see you stop making the same mistake and improve as a person. The friend who always agrees with you and absolves you from all responsibility will always be there to put a Band-Aid on. Again, and again, and again, and again.  “Gee, its not your fault. I agree, I am not sure why you get shocked every time you stick your finger in that electrical outlet. It’s not fair, but know that I will be right here tomorrow when you do it again!”

I’ve got a some solid friends like that in my life.  I don’t always like hearing what they have to say, but I do appreciate it. I know I make mistakes and am sometimes blind to them. There’s nothing wrong with having someone there to shed some light on things. I appreciate friends.

FACT:  There are about 5 million versions of MarioKart.  It is pretty much the same game that is continuously re-released, but somehow it continues to get better and better.  I will always buy the latest version of MarioKart

FACT:  In order to be called a pizza, it needs to have some sort of red sauce, cheese and probably meat on it.  “Pizzas” with olive oil, vegetables and spinach need to be immediately renamed “Salads on a flat bread bowl” or “Open-face salad sandwich.” Tofurkey should never be allowed within 26 inches of a pizza.

FACT:  Jasmine is Disney’s hottest princess. Fact.

FACT: Golf is a form of recreational torture. You do not run. In fact you get to drive.  Nobody is against you.  Nobody is trying to get in your way.  Their is no timer.  The ball is not moving. There is nobody trying to distract you.  In fact, every effort is made for silence and to minimize distraction.  There is simply a stupid little white ball sitting in the grass saying, “Hit me over there. That is all there is to this game. Nobody is going to bother you. I won’t move. Just hit me.”  And it is maddeningly impossible

FACT: The thought is not what counts. I’m just gonna go ahead and call B.S. on the whole “It’s the thought that counts” thing. If that was true, I would be fired, friendless, divorced, in a lot of fights, in jail, and generally much worse off. I’m kinda glad the thought doesn’t really count.  I am so screwed when someone creates an app that allows thought-balloons to appear above my head so that others know what I’m thinking

 

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